Internet Star

the gladiator arenas of the music industry and the shadowy nature of our dreams

INTERNET STAR IS OUT!!!

What an odd, chorus-less curveball of a treat. At first glance, Internet Star might seem pretty one dimensional. But if you’re interested, I’d love to show you the grotto of musings underneath surface-level. 🌟

This song is about dreams. If you’re anything like me, you might’ve also spent your childhood hell-bent on a upwards climb towards a specific one. I realized pretty early on that I A) deeply loved music and felt otherworldly when I made it and B) could get decent attention from doing it. So like a true American girl/4w3/Capricorn, I then structured an entire identity around my ambition in that single category. I was passionate. I was gonna make my job music, hell or highwater, rung by rung. In my soul, I wanted to be a star.

Condensing the story for you… some years later, I landed in Los Angeles in 2020 for the first time ever as a published, professional songwriter in the music industry. Dream achieved, sorta? I mean, I wanted to be an artist but this job was artist adjacent, and most of my childhood maps hadn’t drawn much further than “live in LA” and “make music money.” Check and check. This would probably be great! I would pour any free-time I had into my artistry AND I’d get a hit song in like 2 months MAX probably. That’s how that works, right? My mediocre child-prodigy-talents would carry over into the tide of adulthood and would slingshot me to the top both as a writer AND an artist.

So, with all that naivety and eagerness, I climbed what felt like the final rung of the ladder. As I hauled my body over the top, I came face to face with this plateau of professionalism. That ladder upwards flattened into this wide, even playing field. Like a fucking gladiator arena. Turns out everyone in LA is talented, so rather than the competition slimming down as I’d expected, it only got stiffer. And all the songwriters (barring like, 5 very successful ones) were getting their shit absolutely handed to them. It was gory. Everyone was good. Everyone was also still fighting tooth and nail for it.

What now? Did I… want a hit song too? Was I ready to duke it out for this? I was already taking hits for my artist project, which I cared about very deeply despite it’s embarrassingly glacial pace. (That arena looked different. More ring lights and late night TikToks and less 1v1 in the email thread over 5% splits.) When I looked at my future, I felt equally terrified and equally bored. But I wanted to try, and so many people would’ve killed for my spot, so I jumped in with both feet. In the hamster wheel of pitch writing and speed dating creatives, my burnout quickly grew. So did my urgency to “make something happen” to get me to some stage of security, financially and creatively. Each feeling made the other worse. Quickly, and without much critical thinking, new dreams grew in desperation. I needed a path to peace like, yesterday, and dreams were always my rocket fuel. Maybe I just needed to update mine?

Express Myself changed into Be Palatable for Mass Appeal
Write for Me became Write for Them
Enjoy the Process became Write A Hit, Recoup the Deal, Become One of the 5 Not Dying in the Songwriting Arena
Make Music morphed into Go Viral

I was working more than ever and felt like I was doing worse than ever. The dreams and goals I’d borrowed from other people were ruining my good time. I’d see a friend get a cut with an artist I hated, or get their music on a certain playlist I didn’t even know about - dreams that weren’t even on my radar. But after seeing someone else get them, I’d realize I *didn’t* get them, and then I’d grieve that “loss.” I didn’t know what I was even working towards anymore. In an earnest attempt at forward motion, I was mirroring and chasing ambitions that weren’t mine, both as a songwriter and as an artist, and was running in place. I was throwing anything at the wall just to try and get somewhere with ANY of it. None of what I was making felt true to me.

So what did I want then? I couldn’t even tell what would make me feel good anymore. My songwriting career looked like busy work, my artist career felt like it was dying on the vine, and they were so painfully segregated. How did I get exactly what I wanted and end up so unhappy?

Because here’s the truth I didn’t understand: dreams are less about wanting the *thing* you’re after and more about wanting how the *thing* will make you feel.

More than anything, I wanted to feel seen. As I am.
I wanted to feel expressive,
Creative,
Respected,
Understood.

When I was aiming for success in music all those years, these quiet ambitions were actually laying the groundwork I could step on. Without them, I could lay nothing of importance down on top. Gone unfulfilled, none of it was worth it. Once this truth hit me, everything started to change. I realized I was going to have to do those things for myself. There were too many variables in the gladiator arena outside of my control to bet on my dreams being accomplished anywhere other than within. If I could legitimize and celebrate my own artistic value, suddenly the gnawing monster of “go viral/write a hit/do this thing that will prove you are worth something” was fed. And I could rest. 

I feel like I must disclaimer this with: I’m deeply aware this is not a one and done deal. In someway shape or form, I will always be rediscovering myself, but for now - I’m thankful to be where I am.

Because googly eyes has already healed so much for me. It’s paved a safety path. And now that I’m venturing into a new journey as a SIGNED artist (with the INCREDIBLE Tove Lo’s Pretty Swede Records and Neon Gold records), I feel more prepared, safe, and resilient than I ever have. I’m ready to have a good fucking time (and, of course, to work very hard to make things I am proud of... this part of me never quite stops.) I’m reclined eating grapes in the arena now, I found an inkling of my chill. :’)

That’s the meat of Internet Star. The return home to self, the excavation of the true dream within the shadow dream. Here’s to finding out what new variations my dreams take on next. Open to it all!!!

Thanks for reading this one. And thanks for listening to Internet Star!!! 🌟💓

googy