MY FIRST TOUR: COMPLETE

an interview with myself

20 days and 12 shows 10 shows

Gooooodmorning from Toronto. It’s currently 7am - I woke up at 6 and just can’t go back down. I’m wrapped in my fuzzy robe with some bad reality TV on. This morning, I feel like a husk of a person, but then again I just wrapped up 3 weeks of my first tour ever. WEEEE!

Before we went out, I set up this interview for myself. Let’s catch up. :)

photo by Olive Jol

AN INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF

Hey girl. You just finished your first tour!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit!!!!!! How does it feel? Are you alive? Is your body okay or was it like… really no big deal? How’s your spirit? Was everything we talked about ridiculous or was it a spirit clearing retreat?

It feels amazing! And overwhelming! But yes, I’m alive. I’m definitely exhausted, but both body and spirit are in good shape overall. I’m definitely not recalibrated back to normal life, a bit depleted in every area, and staring at a backlog of work I need to get done. But! I’m excited to get into the swing of things again. Come back to earth.

It’s really such a gift to sing onstage to thousands of people. I’ve always been good at being on stage, but I’ve NEVER done that many shows in a row. The way you can exponentially hone your skills in such a short time frame is really spectacular. By the end, I barely felt nervous. I felt really in control up there. That was always a dream of mine, to be backstage before going on and feel 0 nerves. It’s not fixed forever, but I’ve leveled up for sure.

Honestly, I’d say it was more trial by fire than spiritual retreat. Lots of clumsy learning amidst a glittering exhibition of my skills? I was tested in new ways I wasn’t expecting. We had some… hiccups… and I felt ‘em intensely. Every single merch order we placed for tour had some sort of issue. We lost two big shows, DC and Boston, while literally on the road. I hate to be cryptic (y’all know more than anything I love to run my big mouth) but in this moment it’s just not in my best interest. Maybe in time.

Jared, my music director, kept saying that this is the way of tour. You’re gonna be hit by surprises and have to take it on the chin. As a type-A planner-girl who likes control, this was hard. Especially when my fan’s experience is hurt or diminished in some way. Fuck that. It makes me genuinely angry, and then it makes me angrier I have to pretend I’m not angry.

I have a lot of growth to do in this arena, lol.

Anyways. Tour is a strange sort of drug. The come down is intense. Does that soften with experience? I wonder.

Best show?

Charlotte felt really crazy vocally, Pittsburgh had the sweetest crowd, Orlando felt amazing, Montreal was so kind. So much good to say about all of them.

Did our insane amount of planning actually make a difference or?

Yes and no?? I felt very prepared and well taken care of by past-me, thank you. Tour is hard and cold and the soft and warm things we packed helped, ha.

Some of the star standout items:

• Belt Box: I am OBSESSED with this thing. It’s tight quarters backstage and I take quite a second to warm up, and this helps dampen the noise so I don’t bug the shit out of everybody.

• Smudge Spray: omfg yeah, so much weird energy on tour. good to have a reset

• TheraFace Depuffing Wand: holy shit. This was an impulse purchase before tour and I am quite literally in love with it. You can do a cold setting or a hot setting and it’s dreamy and magical.

• My big warm fluffy white cardigan: Need I say more?

  

Worst show?

None were actually bad. This is a goofy question to ask myself, because it’s a very real and non-hypothetical thing to be in front of people and sharing that experience with them. How can I say any were bad, or rank them at all?

Favorite moment?

Probably when my bracelet exploded one time on stage during Brand New Bitch.

What surprised you?

How much I loved it. How I’m walking away with the real feeling that I can do this thing; I can take it all the way. I’m unequivocally in the right place. But also how odd and bad I feel in the after.

Did you love it?

Bigtime.

Do you feel more or less like yourself?

Ohhhhh baby, I’m so in my skin!!! More than I think I’ve ever been! I feel sexy and confident and alive. I actually feel like it changed me a lot, which I wasn’t expecting.

What did you learn?

I learned some really big lessons across the whole thing. Many were re-discovering truths I already knew.

1. If you don’t kill your ego, it won’t leave, and it’s heavy to carry around. You can’t out-money, out-fan, out-fame your shadow self. I have work to do still.

2. Time melts on tour. The days are blur together quite fantastically. It’s a twilight zone sort of feeling. Hotel room number get swapped in your mind. Images of where you parked the minivan outside the venue by the huge tour busses jumbles until you can’t remember which happened when. An hour drive after the set feels like 20 minutes. Lean into the time warp.

3. I was reminded of how healing it is for me to just… be outside.

4. Eating well on tour is not as hard as I thought it would be. Put veggies on your rider. Choose good things when you can. Moving/exercise is a bit tougher but needs to be prioritized.

   

5. Opening for someone is like auditioning for new fans. You’re saying “Hi, nice to meet you” to a sea of smoochie girls every night and hoping they like what you have to offer. That makes finding a goog fan in the crowd extra special. Seeing someone singing along with me felt like a lightning bolt moment. Seeing trusted familiar fan faces feels warm and goopy.

6. Many an audio book were downloaded. None were listened to.

7. I’m typically an “early to bed early to rise” type gal. This part sucks and continually effed me across the tour. Next time I’ll pre-lag tour, lol. Slowly adjust my sleep and wake schedule.

8. Texting anyone back became this monumental sludgery of a task, more than usual. I was on my phone constantly and simultaneously wiped out from doing literally anything meaningful.

9. I genuinely didn’t know artists went and sat by their merch tables after the show to meet fans, so I’m sorry to the first few cities I missed. (thank you to Ryan and Nat for the gentle suggestion.) I loved doing that. :’)

10. I fucking love touring, are you kidding me?

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Now What?

The whiplash is heavy. I’m still figuring out how to be gentle and kind to this little body and spirit of mine as we navigate very new and unusual situations over and over again. At this point, I’m working to get myself back to baseline and get back to work!!!

All that said, I’m so monumentally proud of myself + my touring team. Thank you Drea and Jared for all your efforts and time and energy. Thank you to my team for landing me the tour. Thank you to Ashnikko for having me.

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til next time,

googs